Weekend of Trash XXVIII

With my wife and kids away for a week, leaving me home alone, I simply had to invite old friends and Blueprint: Review writers Justin Richards, Andrew Skeates and Bill Old over to Lincoln to enjoy/endure another one of our much-loved Weekends of Trash.

It was our 28th (recorded) weekend of horror, action, sleaze and cheese, and we ploughed through 12 titles over a couple of days and nights. For those new to Blueprint: Review’s Weekend of Trash tradition, previous write-ups can be found in the category archive.

As usual, I’ve done some brief reviews of all the movies watched and I’ve included clips and trailers when possible too.

Friday

Gymkata

Director: Robert Clouse
Screenplay: Charles Robert Carner, Dan Tyler Moore
Starring: Kurt Thomas, Tetchie Agbayani, Richard Norton, Edward Michael Bell, John Barrett, Conan Lee
Year: 1985
Country: USA, Japan

Gymkata was made as a bizarre attempt to make Olympic gymnast Kurt Thomas a martial arts movie star. The film sees Thomas play Jonathan Cabot, a champion gymnast who is asked to work for the Special Intelligence Agency (SIA) to use his skills to take part in ‘The Game’, a mysterious and deadly competition that takes place in the fictional country of Parmistan.

Gymkata is daft as a brush and the story is underbaked at best but it’s a whole heap of fun. The action scenes, which blend gymnastics with martial arts, are ludicrous but impressive. The film takes some wild turns too, particularly towards the end when it becomes a surreal horror film briefly, for some reason, including a bizarre sequence that had a two-faced man and a guy who had no back to his trousers.

Robert Clouse gives it all a high-quality sheen, making great use of its locations, in particular, so it’s a classy affair, even if it can be laughably silly in places.

Trailer:

Wardog

Director: Björn Carlström, Daniel Hübenbecher
Screenplay: Björn Carlström, Daniel Hübenbecher
Starring: Timothy Earle, Gunnar Ernblad, Bengt Fridh
Year: 1987
Country: Sweden

Wardog (or possibly War Dog, depending on which poster you look at, or War Dogs according to the trailer) is a Swedish action movie which is desperately trying to look like it’s set in the US (the number of cliched signifiers thrown into each shot is hilarious). It focuses on Charles Stewart (Timothy Earle), a Vietnam vet who wants to know what happened to his brother Rick, who went missing a while back. He teams up with a reporter, Dean Daniels (Gunnar Ernblad) and the pair unearth a plot to create mindless supersoldiers, masterminded by Spacek (Bengt Fridh).

This action thriller is suitably atmospheric and violent but is spoilt by some terrible performances (not helped by being dubbed into English) and stilted editing. We never actually finished the film though, sadly, as the tape we were watching cut off an hour in!

Trailer:

Grave Misdemeanours (a.k.a. Night Life)

Director: David Acomba
Screenplay: Keith Critchlow
Starring: Scott Grimes, John Astin, Cheryl Pollak, Anthony Geary, Alan Blumenfeld, Kenneth Ian Davis, Darcy DeMoss
Year: 1989
Country: USA

Grave Misdemeanors (a.k.a. Night Life) stars Scott Grimes as Archie, a teenager who works in a mortuary as a favour for his uncle who’s agreed to put him through college. A group of bullies threaten to get him sacked but they end up getting killed in a tragic accident.

That’s not the last Archie will see of the troublesome group though as they come back alive whilst he’s working on their bodies and wreak havoc as zombies.

This is a solid comedy-horror which develops its story very effectively with a nice balance of humour and drama. The film is populated with fun characters and amusing lines, whilst also throwing in some cool stunts and grisly gore sequences. I must admit, I was drifting in and out of sleep during the film though, so the second half was a bit hazy.

Trailer:

Saturday

Cyborg X

Director: K. King
Screenplay: K. King
Starring: Eve Mauro, Rocky Myers, Jake Stormoen, Danny Trejo, Adam Johnson, Angie Papanikolas
Year: 2016
Country: USA

Cyborg X is set in the future after virus-controlled robots and cyborgs have taken over the world and obliterated most of the human race. A group of soldiers have held out and, after they find that the man presumed responsible for the incident is still alive, they track him down and use him to help put a stop to the AI invasion.

This is a fun B-movie that never tries to break the mould but offers a healthy dose of action, gore and macho posturing. Danny Trejo was clearly only hired for a day or two but it’s fun to see him doing his thing and the film doesn’t mess around during its lean running time.

Trailer:

The Last Voyage of the Demeter

Director: André Øvredal
Screenplay: Bragi F. Schut, Zak Olkewicz
Based on a novel by: Bram Stoker
Starring: Corey Hawkins, Aisling Franciosi, Liam Cunningham, David Dastmalchian, Chris Walley, Jon Jon Briones, Stefan Kapicic
Year: 2023
Country: USA, United Kingdom, Canada, India, Germany, Italy, Sweden, Switzerland, Malta

This ocean-bound horror film is based on a single chapter from Bram Stoker’s ‘Dracula’ novel. It charts the doomed voyage of the ship transporting the coffin and ‘snacks’ of everybody’s favourite vampire from Bulgaria to London. Joining Captain Elliot (Liam Cunningham) on the journey is Clemens (Corey Hawkins), a doctor who is keen to return to England.

This is a classy, finely-crafted spin on the Dracula story. It has a nice sense of dread running throughout, high production values and a great cast. It’s suitably tense too and has some nicely grisly moments. It’s a crying shame the film bombed on its theatrical release and has had little to no release in the UK (we watched an imported DVD).

Trailer:

The Beastmaster

Director: Don Coscarelli
Screenplay: Don Coscarelli, Paul Pepperman
Based on a Novel by: Andre Norton
Starring: Marc Singer, Tanya Roberts, Rip Torn, John Amos, Joshua Milrad, Rod Loomis
Year: 1982
Country: West Germany, USA

The Beastmaster stars Marc Singer as Dar, the unknowing son of a king. He has been hunted by Maax (Rip Torn) since he was in his mother’s womb due to a prophecy. Saved by a passing farmer and raised in a humble village, Dar develops the incredible power to communicate with and befriend animals, which he can use to his advantage.

After his adopted father and village are wiped out by Maax’s troops, Dar heads out to get revenge, aided by his animal friends and some fellow humans who have been subjugated by Maax’s reign of terror.

This sword-and-sorcery classic went down a treat. It’s nicely shot and has a decent pace, despite its length. It has a charming tone to it too, with a charismatic, slightly cheeky lead and some lovable animal actors. There’s a nice mix of action, comedy, corny romance and daft fantasy beats to keep everyone happy. Plus it all culminates in an epic fiery climax.

Trailer:

Deep Space

Director: Fred Olen Ray
Screenplay: Fred Olen Ray, T.L. Lankford
Starring: Charles Napier, Ann Turkel, Bo Svenson, Ron Glass, Julie Newmar, James Booth
Year: 1988
Country: USA

A secret government spacecraft crashes down to Earth and unleashes a vicious creature onto the world. After it kills a couple of teenagers, Detective Ian McLemore (Charles Napier) is put on the case. As he discovers more about the situation, he must tackle not only the creature itself, but the government agents trying to cover it up.

It’s rather silly, the monster is a little dodgy in motion and the kills are disappointing, but Deep Space was a lot of fun. The humour was more effective than the horror, in my opinion, with some great zingers and fun gags. Charles Napier makes for a strong, wisecracking lead. Plus there’s a nice bit of chainsaw action at the end. Oh and a random bagpiping scene!

Trailer:

31

Director: Rob Zombie
Screenplay: Rob Zombie
Starring: Malcolm McDowell, Richard Brake, Sheri Moon Zombie, Jeff Daniel Phillips, Lawrence Hilton-Jacobs, Meg Foster, Kevin Jackson
Year: 2016
Country: UK, USA

This viewing of 31 proved to be my introduction to the world of Rob Zombie (I’m not a big horror guy).

The film sees a group of carnival workers captured by some mysterious people (headed by the legendary Malcolm McDowell) out in the desert. The friends are forced to take part in ‘31’, a challenge where they have to survive for 12 hours in a nightmarish facility, where unhinged murderers are dropped in at various stages.

I found 31 stylish but a little too shallow and it’s not my kind of film, in general. My main problem was that I disliked all the characters so I didn’t care what happened to them. It just felt like a chain of nasty set pieces and the kills weren’t interesting enough to excite. Richard Brake was great to watch though and the soundtrack was awesome. Plus it’s very nicely shot.

Trailer:

Shark Attack

Director: Bob Misiorowski
Screenplay: Scott Devine, William Hooke
Starring: Casper Van Dien, Jenny McShane, Ernie Hudson, Chris Olley, Bentley Mitchum, Paul Ditchfield, Jacob Makgoba
Year: 1999
Country: USA, Israel, South Africa

Marine biologist Steven McKray (Casper Van Dien) heads over to an African fishing village where there has been an unusually high number of shark attacks after his friend, Marc Desantis, sends him an email about an important discovery. When arriving there, however, Steven discovers Marc is dead and tries to get to the bottom of what happened.

Along the way, Steven teams up with Marc’s sister Corine (Jenny McShane) and the pair uncover a web of corruption in the seemingly sleepy village.

Shark Attack was a bit of a surprise. From its title and cover art, we expected a super-cheesy killer shark movie and, yes, I guess we got some of that, but it’s actually slicker than we suspected and more of an action thriller than a creature feature. Though it felt a little long and took itself a touch too seriously, the story is compelling enough and there are some cool action scenes. I’m still surprised it spawned a pair of sequels though!

Trailer:

Slimed

Director: Eric Manche, Jeff Nitzberg
Screenplay: Eric Manche, Jeff Nitzberg
Starring: Jordan Lee, Dustin Triplett, Jessica Borusky
Year: 2010
Country: USA

Slimed is set in a nature park which is in danger of being closed down due to a vast backlog of unpaid tax bills. Atheist park ranger Rock Rockerson (Jordan Lee) is desperate to find a solution and ends up pinning his hopes on a bible salesman, Pepe (Dustin Triplett) who believes making a new visitor centre will solve everything.

When the pair arrive at the spot where they hope to build the centre, however, they come across a hidden bunker where a strange slime known as Clean-o is being produced that destroys everything in its path. This kicks off a truly bizarre adventure.

Troma films are an acquired taste but this one went down pretty well at the end of a long day of movie watching. It’s shoddily made, incredibly puerile and the jokes don’t always hit their mark but it never takes itself remotely seriously and is so dumb that it’s a lot of fun, if you’re in the right mood. Plus, its random nature makes for a film that’s difficult to second guess.

Trailer:

Sunday

Scared Stiff

Director: Richard Friedman
Screenplay: Mark Frost, Daniel F. Bacaner, Richard Friedman
Starring: Andrew Stevens, Mary Page Keller, David Ramsey, Josh Segal, Bill Hindman, Jackie Davis
Year: 1987
Country: USA

Scared Stiff sees Kate (Mary Page Keller), a musician with a troubled past, move into a big old house with her former psychiatrist-turned-boyfriend David (Andrew Stevens) and her young son Jason (Josh Segal).

After David finds two skeletons locked in a case in the attic, he and Kate discover the house used to be populated by slave owner George Masterson (David Ramsey) and his wife and child, the latter of whom prove to be the bodies found.

Kate begins seeing visions of George in the spooky house and worries that the ghost of the cruel slave owner is affecting David. With her psychologically-scarred past though, could this all just be in her head?

This is an effective, slow-build horror film with an interesting domestic abuse subtext thrown into the mix. After starting out as more of a psychological horror with a few supernatural splashes it goes all-out bonkers in a fun climax before ending on a rather dark note. A good, solid chiller.

Trailer:

My Bloody Banjo

Director: Liam Regan
Screenplay: Liam Regan
Starring: James Hamer-Morton, Damian Morter, Dani Thompson, Vito Trigo, Clay von Carlowitz, Serena Chloe Gardner, Laurence R. Harvey
Year: 2015
Country: UK

My Bloody Banjo is a low-budget British film with a bit of a Troma flavour (aided by a Lloyd Kaufman cameo). It sees James Hamer-Morton play Peltzer Arbuckle, a downtrodden weakling who’s bullied by both his girlfriend and his superiors at work.

After a ‘genital mishap’ causes his abuse to peak, Peltzer begins to see his imaginary friend Ronnie (Damian Morter), who had appeared in his youth and caused serious problems. Once again, Ronnie proves to be an agent of chaos and tries to convince Peltzer to take revenge on those who wronged him to help him win back his much nicer ex-girlfriend, Melissa (Serena Chloe Gardner), who is currently with the slimy Stiles (Clay von Carlowitz), one of Peltzer’s tormenters.

This bonkers, blood-splattered romp was the perfect way to end the weekend. I felt it ran out of steam a little as it went on but, generally, the film is a wild ride, with some truly wince-inducing gore sequences and plenty of nasty villains you’re keen to see get their comeuppance. I often found myself wanting to shake some sense into the hero for some of his poor decisions, but he’s not supposed to be all with it, I guess.

Trailer: