ONE DAY
My best friends wedding?
They’ve made the same film it seems,
Without the funny

— @LyndseyJJackson

TROLL HUNTER
Fairy tales ARE real.
Does what it says on the tin.
Want one as a pet!

— @LyndseyJJackson

CARS 2
Fuck me Lasseter!
What were you thinking with this?
It makes UP look good!

— @darrenleebolton

MIDNIGHT IN PARIS
That forgettable
I thought I had Alzheimer’s.
Still waiting Woody!

— @darrenleebolton

SUNRISE
Three lines can’t express
How beautiful this film is.
A joy to behold

— @dave_or_did

HOBO WITH A SHOTGUN
Truly unpleasant,
Yet with a surprising heart.
Inspired lunacy

— @dave_or_did

THE PRINCESS OF MONTPENSIER
Soooo long, soooo boring.
An inert and poorly-shot
period snoozer.

— @dirtyvicar

THE TRIP
Funny Brits drive, dine,
quip, quaff and quote Michael Caine;
an Anglophile’s treat.

— @dirtyvicar

MELANCHOLIA
The end of the world.
Tragedy or one big joke?
Von Trier again!

— Damien Beedham

TYRANNOSAUR
Feature from a short.
Superb performances but
Let down by story.

IN TIME
Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.
Shit, shit, shite, utter shit shit,
Shit shit shit shit film.

— Lyndsey Jackson

FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS
I’d have never thought
American football film
Would be quite so good.

— Lyndsey Jackson

CONTAGION
Never exciting,
But it’s always interesting.
Getting there Steve-o!

— Darren Bolton

WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT KEVIN
1D evil kid,
Kills kids in a 1D town,
Destroys 3D mum!

— Darren Bolton

HOUSE (HAUSU)
All but the sink used
In a bat shit crazy film
That made my head spin

— David Brook

TOUCH OF EVIL
Could this Welles film be
Better than Kane in some ways?
Grimy masterpiece

— David Brook

THE INNOCENTS
Old ‘creepy kids’ film
Makes me sleep with the lights on.
Terrifying stuff

— David Brook

TROLL HUNTER
So many trolls you’ll
Think it’s a Kardashian
Family function.

— Dirty Vicar

HOT COFFEE
More startling than
A cup of scalding decaf
To the naughty bits.

— Dirty Vicar

TABLOID
Errol Morris knows
Eccentrics make great subjects.
Your jaw might just drop.

— Dirty Vicar

BLUE VALENTINE
Love ain’t no picnic
simple, stark and powerful
depressing as hell

— David Brook

THE LINCOLN LAWYER
This legal thriller
manages to pass the bar
without raising it.

— Dirty Vicar

3 COLOURS BLUE
Binoche is stunning
As she deals with tragic loss.
Subtle, beautiful.

— Laura Kavanagh

LIMITLESS
Alas, drug abuse
will never lead to looking
like Bradley Cooper.

— Dirty Vicar

SEASON OF THE WITCH
The blackest arts could
not conjure up worse evil
than too much Nic Cage.

— Dirty Vicar

SUCKER PUNCH
Part video game.
Part music video. Part
anime. Part thigh.

— Dirty Vicar

POETRY
Subtle and poignant.
Quietly devastating
Through raw filmmaking

— David Brook

CAPTAIN AMERICA
Ven Hugo Veeving
Triez to be german, he sounds
Like a camp Arnie!

— Darren Bolton

TRANSFORMERS 3
I though this wasn’t
Supposed to be completely
Awful and inane?

— Darren Bolton

LA QUATTRO VOLTE
A film of four parts
In which a goat steals the show.
Is one of year’s best

— Damien Beedham

TREE OF LIFE
The most pretentious
Film I have ever, ever,
Ever, ever seen!

— Darren Bolton

TREE OF LIFE
A meditation
that forces one to wonder
What it’s all about

— James Findlater

TREE OF LIFE
Christian ramble.
What is it all meant to mean…?
Pretentious wank!

— Laura Kavanagh

TREE OF LIFE
Malick back again
With a Palme d’Or winning film.
Absolute rubbish

— Damien Beedham

TREE OF LIFE
Compelling musings
On life and how it is shaped.
Stunning visuals

— David Brook

HARRY POTTER & THE PHILOSOPHER’S STONE
Dodgy start from all.
The magic yet to arrive
in standard kids film

— Chris Matic

HARRY POTTER & THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS
A very poor film that
Barely captures the drama
Of magical books

— Chris Matic

HARRY POTTER & THE PRISONER OF AZKABAN
The foreboding moon,
With a dark tone everywhere.
Getting better now

— Chris Matic

HARRY POTTER & THE GOBLET OF FIRE
Bum achingly long.
Awkwardly paced with ‘events’.
Cracking Voldemort

— Chris Matic

HARRY POTTER & THE ORDER OF THE PHOENIX
Best adaptation,
Taking a rambling paced book
And making it work

— Chris Matic

HARRY POTTER & THE HALF BLOOD PRINCE
Anticlimactic,
But sets up the finale.
(And Dumbledore dies!)

— Chris Matic

HARRY POTTER & THE DEATHLY HALLOWS Part 1
For all the drama
This ‘object’ driven road film
has too much to-do

— Chris Matic

HARRY POTTER & THE DEATHLY HALLOWS Part 2
As it requires
a snappy Part two which is
just a long fight scene

— Chris Matic

HAPPY GO LUCKY
Poppy’s bike stolen,
Slice of unique life follows.
Thoughtful, uplifting

— Laura Kavanagh

VIEW TO A KILL
In his last outing,
Horses and silicon chips
Leave you wanting Moore

— Chris Matic

OCTOPUSSY
With dodgy hair piece
‘Todger’ Moore takes on Berkoff
Clowns and ‘Pussy here!

— Chris Matic

THE SPY WHO LOVED ME
Patriotic ‘chute;
Barbara Bach & Jaws, the plot?
I can’t remember

— Chris Matic

TRANSFORMERS THE MOVIE – 1986
Rocking 80s tunes
With BIG characters killed off
Best film ever? Yes.

— Chris Matic

CRIMSON TIDE
Tense and engrossing,
Hackman and Washington shine.
This is not ‘sub’ par

— Chris Matic

THE SORCERER’S APPRENTICE
Nervous Jewish boy
Takes on a Mickey Mouse role.
Disney turns in grave

— Chris Matic

X MEN: FIRST CLASS
Fantastic prequel
Sets the background that Star Wars
Couldn’t do in 3

— Chris Matic

X MEN 3: LAST STAND
The backstage changes
And off screen butchering mean
The parties over

— Chris Matic

X2
More mutant mischief
With a great dramatic core
X-men geeks go mad

X MEN
Picard & Gandalf
Add weight to the adventure
Grounded in the real

— Chris Matic

ANTICHRIST
Pretntious cunt helms,
The cuts make me want to kill.
I liked the fox though!

— Roger Santen

3 COLOURS BLUE
Slight, but beautiful.
Donnie Darko stole the end!
But which sequel’s best?

— Darren Bolton

MADE IN DAGENHAM
Under-dog template,
In use since The Full Monty,
In full, shit force here!

— Darren Bolton

FAST FIVE
Decent action scenes,
But doesn’t know it’s stupid
And plays it too straight!

— Darren Bolton

PIRATES 4: ON STRANGER TIDES
Don’t know why I went.
I even hated the first.
Can’t wait for 5 though!

— Darren Bolton

MILK
America hates gays!
Sensitive and genuine;
Penn and Franco shine

— Lyndsey Jackson

HANGOVER PART II
Awful, awful film.
2 hours of my life wasted,
Despite the monkey

— Lyndsey Jackson

X-MEN FIRST CLASS
Bland and flat prequel,
had its moments but too few
to be interesting

— David Brook

UNKNOWN
It’s just another
amnesia thriller you are
likely to forget.

— Dirty Vicar

ADJUSTMENT BUREAU
Damon, Blunt smolder
Solid, though its ending needs
*ahem* adjustment.

— Dirty Vicar

RED RIDING HOOD
Twilight dressed in Red.
Even the wolf might struggle
with swallowing this.

— Dirty Vicar

JUST GO WITH IT
Misogynistic
drivel; the title asks too
much of the viewer.

— Dirty Vicar

X-MEN FIRST CLASS
Mutant origins
Fassbender is magnetic
Nothing else X-cites

— Dirty Vicar

WALK HARD: THE DEWEY COX STORY
Funny musical
With nods to known bios
Well written songs too

— Chris Matic

THE GOODS: LIVE HARD SELL HARD
Still watch ‘Anchorman’?
Bored of watching ‘Step Brothers’?
Watch this film instead

— Chris Matic

WOLFMAN
Impressive casting
Still can’t stop this from being
a dog of a film

— Christ Matic

BLADES OF GLORY
Titter-worthy flick
But Heder just can’t compete
with Will’s impro skills

— Chris Matic

TALLADEGA NIGHTS
Sub-par comedy
With Will Ferrell’s ego
Going round and round

— Christ Matic

40 YEAR OLD VIRGIN
Some unscripted laughs
that is genuinely sweet,
Apatow’s star shines

— Chris Matic

HOUSESITTER
Do you remember
When Steve Martin was funny?
It was before this.

— Chris Matic

CLUE
If there’s a film where
Tim Curry could be more gay
it’s ‘Rocky Horror’

— Chris Matic

RINGU
Superior chills
And a terrific ending
You SHOULD watch this vid

— Chris Matic

OCEANS 11
Clooney & co show
that making a slick caper
is cool … VEGAS STYLE!

— Chris Matic

TRANSFORMERS REVENGE OF THE FALLEN
Transformers was bad
But revenge of the fallen?
Mind numbingly bad

— Roger Santen

ANTICHRIST
Pretentious cunt helms
the cuts make me want to kill
I liked the fox though

— Roger Santen

HANNA
Cheesy story and
Music video action
Kill glimmers of hope.

— Darren Bolton

13 ASSASSINS
Slow, but engrossing
Builds to disappointing end.
Kill, stab, blood, death, DULL!

— Darren Bolton

BARTON FINK
Coens at their best
David Lynch for the main-stream
Witty, fresh and dense!

— Darren Bolton

DANCER IN THE DARK
I hope Von Trier
Dies slowly and painfully
Like this made me feel

— Darren Bolton

ATTACK THE BLOCK
No positives here.
My ears are still bleeding
From the dialogue

— Darren Bolton

APOCALYPSE NOW
Stunning film. Speechless.
Vivid, searing, hyperreal:
like watching a dream

— Lyndsey Jackson

MARY AND MAX
Aussie claymation.
Gorgeous, charming, compelling;
An utter delight.

— Lyndsey Jackson

THE DEVIL WEARS PRADA
I love Meryl Streep
Anna Wintour biopic
Who cares – real good fun

— Lyndsey Jackson

ATTACK THE BLOCK
B-movie homage
Slightly dodgy ghetto script
Pacey, daft, Good fun.

— Lyndsey Jackson

BATTLESHIP POTEMKIN
A revolution
Both on screen and behind it
Fine craft at its best

— David Brook

THE WIND THAT SHAKES THE BARLEY
Loach on his soapbox
Often powerful viewing
But too bluntly so

— David Brook

HANNA
Fresh take on genre
Über stylish action scenes
No substance – who cares

— David Brook

LET ME IN
Effective remake
Hindsight fixes minor flaws
Yet scares less graceful

— David Brook

BIUTIFUL
Oppressively bleak.
These poor souls can’t find beauty
let alone spell it.

— Dirty Vicar

GNOMEO AND JULIET
Here’s what would happen
if Shakespeare and Elton John
had a brain-dead child.

— Dirty Vicar

RITE
Your head will spin ’round
possessed by boredom, hellbent
on something less dull.

— Dirty Vicar

INCEPTION
The dreams within dreams
May Inspire or confuse
But trigger our brains

— Chris Matic

THE DARK KNIGHT
All the hype with Heath
Masks an overlong film with
Good performances.

— Chris Matic

THE PRESTIGE
When form and function
Work together with magic
The trick fascinates.

— Chris Matic

BATMAN BEGINS
Highlighting Bruch Wayne
Gives Batman some new found depth
In hackneyed genre

— Chris Matic

INSOMNIA
Al Pachino shines
In a taught, well done thriller
Better than average

— Chris Matic

MEMENTO
esrever ni dlot mlif
gniyfsitas dna xelpmoc
looc kool soottat sekam

— Chris Matic

FOLLOWING
Made over a year
Nolan starts his film career
Satisfying end.

— Chris Matic

DARK WATER
The creeps begin slow
In J-horror at its best
Terrified by end

— Chris Matic

MACGRUBER
Sub par action romp
Playing on MacGyver camp
Few giggles here though

— Chris Matic

DR DOLITTLE
Star Wars? Godfather?
THIS is the best trilogy!
They are all perfect!

— Darren Bolton

LINCOLN LAWYER
Good court-room drama
Matthew takes his shirt off once
That’s the biggest twist!

— Darren Bolton

CEDAR RAPIDS
I can’t believe I’m
Even acknowledging this
Shit with a haiku!

— Darren Bolton

INSIDIOUS
Darth Maul spin-off film
Starts great, and though gets silly
Still a fun thriller

— Darren Bolton

THOR
Thor is brilliant
I never thought I’d say that
But it really is!

— Darren Bolton

ALIEN
Ageless sci fi gem
Thrilling and terrifying;
Forget the damn cat!!

— Lyndsey jackson

NEAR DARK
Pre-twilight vampire
By the cast of Aliens
Annoying music

— Lyndsey Jackson

ADRIFT
Based on true events?
Ocean based melodrama
Kinda watchable

— Lyndsey Jackson

MACHETE
Mexicans kick ass,
Blood flows freely in trash fest
Loses steam by end

— David Brook

THOR
Kenneth’s hammer time,
Solid tone masks flimsy plot,
Good old fashioned fun

— David Brook

WATER FOR ELEPHANTS
Bland corny writing,
Kept afloat by its actors,
Uninspiring stuff

— David Brook

THOR
This god gets grounded
Portman peruses some pecs
Go on, get hammered

— Dirty Vicar

NO STRINGS ATTACHED
She tries not to care.
You’ll struggle to care at all.
Please, Portman, don’t slum.

— Dirty Vicar

THE ILLUSIONIST
It is a brilliant
film or just the illusion
of a brilliant one?

— Dirty Vicar

SUBMARINE
Nostalgia in Wales
Wes Anderson style is a
Promising debut

— Damien Beedham

YOU WILL MEET A TALL DARK STRANGER
Meeting a stranger
Tall and Dark would be better
Than Woody’s latest

— Damien Beedham

ADJUSTMENT BUREAU
Adjustment Bureau?
Free will or determinism?
Love wins in the end

— Damien Beedham

ARMAGEDDON
Early promise fades
Bay’s effects stunt deep story
Big rock goes KA-BOOM

— Chris Matic

BOTTLE ROCKET
No budget starter
Loses steam halfway in but
Wilson Brothers shine

— Chris Matic

RUSHMORE
Poor Max, king of clubs
Schwartzman captures schoolboy dreams
Murray’s come back on

— Chris Matic

THE ROYAL TENNENBAUMS
Star cast underplays
Family with lots to say
But cannot find words

— Chris Matic

LIFE AQUATIC
Funny tale by Wes
With sad Bill Murray as Steve
Hunting ‘jaguar shark’

— Chris Matic

THE DARJEELING LIMITED
Indulgent train trip
By brothers and Anderson
Joke now wears thin Wes

— Chris Matic

FANTASTIC MR FOX
Dahl film not for kids
Wes still in love with his past
But star cast look good

— Chris Matic

BOLT
Cute animal cast
With usual Disney sheen
Equals simple fun

— David Brook

BLACK DYNAMITE
The seventies live
Jokes and fights come thick and fast
For much bad-ass fun

— David Brook

HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON
Dragons are evil?
Crap Viking discovers truth
Dragons are awesome!

— Lyndsey Jacson

CLOUDY WITH A CHANCE OF MEATBALLS
People are hungry
Crazy kid makes it rain food
Monkey saves the day

— Lyndsey Jackson

THE READER
A paedo nazi
Are we really meant to care?
Rot in prison, bitch!

— Darren Bolton

BEVERLEY HILLS CHIHUAHUA
Talking animals
They’ll make any film better
More films should learn this!

— Darren Bolton

AWAY WE GO
Middle class couple
Meet irritating people
And make me self-harm

— Darren Bolton

TRUE GRIT
Quite a flawless film
Couldn’t understand Bridges
But I still loved it

— Darren Bolton

NEVER LET ME GO
Slightly pretentious
But doesnt harm it’s beauty
Carey is awesome

— Darren Bolton

RANGO
Two thirds brilliant
Shame about the middle act
Way too generic!

— Darren Bolton

YOGI BEAR
Answers the question:
“Does a bear sh*t in the woods?”
Yes. It looks like this.

— Dirty Vicar

INSIDE JOB
A time capsule for
future generations to
see how we got f—ed

— Dirty Vicar

TALES FROM EARTHSEA
Miyazaki’s son,
not as Spirited as Pops
A rare Ghibli dud

— Dirty Vicar

THE FIGHTER
Heavyweight actors
pack the proverbial punch,
and you’ll be knocked out

— Dirty VIcar

HEREAFTER
Some fine acting saves
this maudlin meditation
on living with death

— Dirty VIcar

SUCKER PUNCH
Wish I were so bank
That Warner Bros would finance
My teenage wet dreams

— Stullberg

SPLICE
Horror dissected
Shows how we build our own mons–
OH GOD HE FUCKED IT

— Stullberg

LIMITLESS
Bradley Cooper shows
That by doing films like this
His career has limits

— Chris Matic

HOT ROD
Zany Daredevil
Who does some ‘Jackass’-like stunts
Gives us some great laughs

— Chris Matic

SUBMARINE
Shit Rushmore rip-off
So desperate to be quirky
Complete tonal mess

— Darren Bolton

LES ADVENTURES EXTRAODINAIRE DE ADELE BLANK-SEC
A fantasy film
Lots go on, nothing happens
Interesting tone though

— Darren Bolton

MILK
Van Sant’s gay drama,
And I mean that literally.
Penn’s incredible

— Darren Bolton

COUPLES RETREAT
Why did I watch this?
Painfully predictable
Unfunny, boring.

— Lyndsey Jackson

WALL STREET
Charlie, what happened?
Tense, manly power struggle
Hasn’t dated so well.

— Lyndsey Jacksn

MEAN GIRLS
Pre meltdown Lohan
Funky, sassy bitch movie
Tina Fey triumphs

— Lyndsey Jackson

THE DEPARTED
Genuinely tense
Good old fashioned thriller
Star turn from Damon.

— Lyndsey Jackson

PREDATOR
Ain’t got time to bleed
Arnie can’t act for toffee
Awesome trash action.

— Lyndsey Jackson

WATER FOR ELEPHANTS
Bland corny writing
Kept afloat by its actors
Uninspiring stuff

— David Brook

I’M STILL HERE
Bold experiment
Ends up being a big mess
Curious yet dull

— David Brook

THE GENERAL
Keaton saves the day
In an early action film
Total brilliance

— David Brook

SHOWDOWN IN LITTLE TOKYO
Lundgren and Brandon
Non stop action and wise cracks
Best movie ever

— David Brook

THE FEARLESS FREAKS
The Flaming Lips star
In a warts and all rock doc
Frank yet inspiring

— David Brook

GINGER SNAPS
Fresh take on old tale
Teen girls have lots of problems
Made me squirm not jump

— David Brook

THE GOOD THE BAD AND THE WEIRD
Action packed mayhem
A little on the long side
Yet still loads of fun

— David Brook

LES BICHES
Women play mind games
Simple plot but music helps
Make gripping and tense

— David Brook

MONKEY BUSINESS
Chaos reigns supreme
In a Marx Brothers classic
Old gags still a blast

— David Brook

RESTREPO
Shows us war is hell
Not why we are at war though
Good but left me cold.

— David Brook

WIN WIN
The film’s life lesson:
Do “whatever the f@#& it
takes.” Now, that’s winning.

— Dirty Vicar

THE GREEN HORNET
Seth Rogen fights crime?
More likely than his nailing
Katherine Heigl.

— Dirty Vicar

BLOW OUT
A blown tire, a mic
De Palma tries for his own
The Conversation.

— Dirty Vicar

INSIDIOUS
The Saw guy scores scares
sans his trademark torture porn,
just old-timey ghosts.

— Dirty Vicar

SCREAM 4
So much potential
Reboot script needed fresh blood
Psst! Irony’s dead

— Dirty Vicar

THE KING’S SPEECH
Hooper’s a thief but
Firth earned the Oscar on his
muh-muh-muh-mantel.

— Dirty Vicar

RABBIT HOLE
A symphony of
sadness, beautiful in its
bleakness. Note-perfect.

— Dirty Vicar

GULLIVER’S TRAVELS
A hackneyed update.
How did Blunt get in this mess?
Swift rolls in his grave.

— Dirty Vicar

SOURCE CODE
Final memories
Help to avert disaster
Cut last eight minutes

— Laura Kavanagh

SUBMARINE
Tries to be quirky
Couldn’t care less about the
Characters stories

— Laura Kavanagh

CAVE OF FORGOTTEN DREAMS
Werner Herzog doc
Amazing cave art work but
Let’s forget 3D

— Damien Beedham

LIMITLESS
Take the pill or not?
No brainer when no limits
Good fun though silly

— Damien Beedham

WALKABOUT
Oz and Agutter
Are stunning in Walkabout
Classic Nic Roeg

— Damien Beedham

THE ADJUSTMENT BUREAU
Matt Damon and Blunt
Show that true love happens when
You run really fast

— Chris Matic

HOT TUB TIME MACHINE
Knowing set up gag
Crispin Glover loses arm
Beyond that, not much

— Chris Matic

MICMACS
Jean-Pierre Jeunet,
What the hell happened to you?
Your last two are shit!

— Darren Bolton

CRAZY HEART
Shit film, good acting.
There is nothing else to say.
Shit film, good acting.

— Darren Bolton

ME AND ORSON WELLES
Awfully written,
But perfect Welles impression.
Chaplin’s abysmal

— Darren Bolton

SOURCE CODE
Mind bending plot lines
Kept me guessing throughout it
Perfect thriller flick!

— Lyndsey jackson

FINDING NEMO
Poor fishy gets caught
Comedy gulls and turtles;
Ellen steals the show

— Lyndsey Jackson

SOURCE CODE
Truly gripping stuff,
Story was most intriguing,
But wobbly ending

— David Brook

HEARTLESS
Atmospheric creeps
lurk despite a lethal pace.
Boo hoo, a birthmark.

— Dirty Vicar

HANNA
Hip, Euro-style thrills
(Deadly) fish out of water
Modern Grimm fable

— Dirty Vicar

THE CHRONICLES OF NARNIA: VOYAGE OF THE DAWN TREADER
Like so many faiths,
all illusion, no magic.
Metaphor hammer!

— Dirty VIcar

DARK SOULS
Lost count of my deaths,
Stuck on the Capra Demon.
Damn those fucking dogs!

— Ian T

MISSION IMPOSSIBLE 4
Remake MI 1?
Is mission impossible?
Not quite: cruise works it!

— Lyndsey Jackson

GROUNDHOG DAY
Why the goddamn hell
Is Andie Macdowell so bad??
Murray is still ace!

— Lyndsey Jackson

THE LION KING
Never get tired
Of Timon and Pumba fun!
Still know all the words!

— Lyndsey Jackson

SHERLOCK HOLMES 2
Elementary;
Plot is as important as
Action – silly Guy!

— Lyndsey Jackson

GREMLINS
Want me a mogwai.
Even after all these years
Gizmo kicks grem ass!!

— Lyndsey Jackson

MUPPETS XMAS CAROL
I love miss Piggy
But gonzo steals the show here
Truly excellent!

— Lyndsey Jackson

WATER FOR ELEPHANTS
Reese and Sparkle Vamps
lack chemistry. Good news? The
elephant can act.

— Dirty Vicar

MELANCHOLIA
I’d be depressed, too,
surrounded by these selfish,
miserable f**ks.

— Dirty Vicar

ONE DAY
Quite possibly the
least romantic romance film
that’s ever been made.

— Dirty Vicar

HUGO
This movie about
the true magic of movies
was made for Marty.

— Dirty Vicar

FRIGHT NIGHT
A Buffy writer
and a slick cast give this camp
80s remake fangs.

— Dirty Vicar

HANGOVER PART 2
Unabashedly
the same; and thus, a quaff less
intoxicating.

— Dirty Vicar

THE DESCENDANTS
‘Twixt this and Sideways,
Payne’s proving to be quite a
national treasure.

— Dirty Vicar

KUNG FU PANDA 2
Great animation,
heart, laughs help this franchise earn
a black belt in fun.

— Dirty Vicar

RISE OF THE PLANET OF THE APES
Shockingly not bad,
despite monkeying around
with prequel clichés.

— Dirty Vicar

THE TREE OF LIFE
Love it or hate it,
no one makes epic movies
like Terrence Malick.

— Dirty Vicar

LIKE CRAZY
One bad choice keeps these
lovers apart, and this film
from being profound.

— Dirty Vicar

MARGIN CALL
A great all-star cast
reenacts the moment your
savings disappeared.

— Dirty Vicar

BEAUTIFUL BOY
Weighty but never
quite engaging; two hours of
solid misery

— Dirty Vicar

WARRIOR
Been-there, slugged-that. Still,
this MMA Rocky packs
a powerful punch.

— Dirty Vicar

COLUMBIANA
A catsuit does not
a convincing assassin
make, Ms. Saldana.

— Dirty Vicar

YOUNG ADULT
Theron makes being
hard to love easy to love.
Antiheroic!

— Dirty Vicar

FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS
Wooed by a flash mob
and Semisonic? I’ll pass
on these Benefits.

— Dirty Vicar

TAKE SHELTER
Michael Shannon gives
a maelstrom performance that
will blow your house down.

— Dirty Vicar

MY WEEK WITH MARILYN
Come for Williams, who
explodes as the blonde bombshell,
seductive yet frail.

— Dirty Vicar

APOLLO 18
As mortifying
as the tragic Challenger
disaster. (Too soon?)

— Dirty Vicar

CRAZY, STUPID, LOVE
Crazy Gosling abs
Stupid rom-com this is not
Love it through and through

— Dirty Vicar

THE GIRL WITH THE DRAGON TATTOO
Who better to ink
this dark tale on our eyeballs
than David Fincher?

— Dirty Vicar

MISSION IMPOSSIBLE 4: GHOST PROTOCOL
Brad Bird performs the
impossible: making us
forget we hate Cruise.

— Dirty Vicar

WAR HORSE
At once, breathtaking,
yet Saving Private Pony
teeters on hokum.

— Dirty Vicar

A GOOD OLD FASHIONED ORGY
A great cast in an
over-the-top premise that
isn’t (group) sexy.

— Dirty Vicar

THE ARTIST
This picture speaks a
thousand joyful words while you
enjoy the silence.

— Dirty Vicar

SHARK NIGHT
No surprise, Shark bites.
If you want something with teeth,
just rent Jaws again.

— Dirty Vicar

HUGO
Another crushing /
Disappointment from Marty! /
Not shit, but pointless!

— Darren Bolton

SHERLOCK HOLMES 2
It’s not as clever, /
Witty, well executed, /
Or fun as the first!

— Darren Bolton

BAD SANTA
Well santa’s in it.
And it is certainly bad.
People like this shit?

— Darren Bolton

SHERLOCK HOLMES 2
Elementary;
Plot is as important as
Action – silly Guy!

— Lyndsey Jackson

MEEK’S CUTOFF
Beautiful yet harsh
Tale of fruitless search for a…
Oh, it just ended

— David Brook

LEMMY
Starts a bit blandly
Grows into fun portrait of
A f*cking legend

— David Brook

MARIO KART 7
There is no better
Feeling than winning a ra–
Blueshell!?? CUNTING FUCK!!

— Darren Bolton

MOONRISE KINGDOM
Wes’ forced style,
With poor script and bad acting.
Grates from start to end.

— Darren Bolton

KILLING THEM SOFTLY
Excluding Brad Pitt,
This is sloppy in all ways.
Kill me quickly. Please.

— Darren Bolton

MYSTERY
The only Mystery
Is how the fuck this film made
The competition!

— Darren Bolton

POST TENEBRAS LUX
Man pulls his own head
Off at the end. Thats what I
Wanted to do too!

— Darren Bolton

THE HUNT
The best film of Cannes.
Superbly judged and controlled
Kiddy fiddler pic!

— Darren Bolton

PAPERBOY
Kidman pisses
All over Zac Efron. I don’t
Know what more to say!

— Darren Bolton

AMOUR
At times beautiful.
At other times labouring.
Close to amazing.

— Darren Bolton

HOLY MOTORS
Bizarre and creative.
Slight story and no drama,
Spoil nice idea.

— Darren Bolton

COSMOPOLIS
Terrible acting.
Disguised by an awful script.
Good end but too late.

— @darrenleebolton

MUD
Maybe a touch slight,
But solid, well judged and paced.
Refreshing at Cannes.

— @darrenleebolton

RUST AND BONE
Great style and acting.
But the unlikeable lead
Destroys engagement.

— @darrenleebolton

SIGHTSEERS
One of the worst films
I’ve ever, ever, ever,
Ever, ever seen!

— @darrenleebolton

BEASTS OF THE SOUTHERN WILD
Fantasy drama,
With stunning turn from the kid.
A stunning debut.

— @darrenleebolton

HEMMINGWAY & GELHORN
Awful TV film.
Clive camping it up is fun,
But that’s all it’s got.

— @darrenleebolton

ROOM 237
Is this film about
Shining, or insane people?
Don’t think the film knows.

— @darrenleebolton

THE LITHIUM CONSPIRACY
Guns, boobs, spies and deals!
A thriller by the numbers.
In italian.

— @darrenleebolton

AI WEIWEI: NEVER SORRY
Fascinating doc
Of his works social power,
And the man himself.

— @darrenleebolton

ANTON CORBIJN: INSIDE OUT
The cliched loner
Story wears thin. He’s just not
Interesting enough.

— @darrenleebolton

AMOUR
Haneke’s latest
Is head and shoulders above
The competition.

— Damien Beedham

MOONRISE KINGDOM
Quirky but soulless.
This disappointing film is
Wes Anderson lite.

— Damien Beedham

KILLING THEM SOFTLY
Stylish and violent
Gangster pic suffers from no
Subtlety. Good though.

— Damien Beedham

RUST AND BONE
Bare knuckle fighting.
Learning to live without legs.
Not Audiard’s best.

— Damien Beedham

COSMOPOLIS
Capitalism.
Odd dialogue and limos.
Please, no more of this!

— Damien Beedham

PARADISE LOVE
Austrian female,
Quinquagenarians’ search
For ‘love’ in Kenya.

— Damien Beedham

POST TENEBRAS LUX
Why oh why oh why
Did this ever get funded?
How bad? Words fail me.

— Damien Beedham

LAWLESS
Hillcoat’s latest is
More white spirit than whiskey.
Quite disappointing.

— Damien Beedham

LIKE SOMEONE IN LOVE
Tokyo set story
Of young girl and old man is
Unsatisfying.

— Damien Beedham

HOLY MOTORS
Marmite of a film.
Either love it or hate it.
I couldn’t stand it!

— Damien Beedham

MUD
Love, friendships and crime
On banks of Mississippi.
Good but not superb.

— Damien Beedham

THE HUNT
What’s this? Stop the press!
A Cannes film with a story.
Vinterberg is back.

— Damien Beedham

THE PAPERBOY
An absolute mess.
Not so bad it’s good. Just bad.
Why was this in Cannes?

— Damien Beedham

REALITY
Fair to middeling
Grand prix winner. Jury need
reality check.

— Damien Beedham

BEASTS OF THE SOUTHERN WILD
Louisiana
Swamp life seen through eyes of girl.
Stunning debut film.

— Damien Beedham

7 DAYS IN HAVANA
Portmanteau project
From seven Cannes favourites.
One day would suffice.

— Damien Beedham

CLEO 5 TO 7
Nouvelle Vague classic,
Screened with director present.
Typically French.

— Damien Beedham

JOUNRNEY TO ITALY
Another film from
Rossellini restored. Three
Down. Seven to go.

— Damien Beedham

ANTON CORBIJN: INSIDE OUT
Detailed portrait of
Photographer/director
is interesting doc.

— Damien Beedham

AI WEIWEI: NEVER SORRY
Four years with Weiwei.
This film is nothing less than
Inspirational.

— Damien Beedham

THE LITHIUM CONSPIRACY
Saw this by mistake.
Silly Italian thriller
is lightweight nonsense.

— Damien Beedham

ROOM 237
Doc on The Shining.
No insights here, but rather
recondite nonsense.

— Damien Beedham

SIGHTSEERS
Ben Wheatley offers
a comedy with no laughs
How embarrassing?

— Damien Beedham

THE RAID
Action films don’t get
Any more brutal than this.
Must clean my trousers.

— @dave_or_did

STUDENT
Hungover students
Have more life than this dull film.
It’s no Pickpocket

— @dave_or_did

LAWRENCE OF ARABIA
New print looks pristine.
Sand has never looked so good.
Four hours well spent

— @dave_or_did

HOLY MOTORS
Life imitates art,
Or something along those lines.
Good, but way too long.

— @kavanagh_l

POST TENEBRAS LUX
Can honestly say
This is the most boring film
I have ever seen.

— @kavanagh_l

PROMETHEUS
Do we really need
more opinions of this film?
See it for yourself.

— @LyndseyJJackson

IRON SKY
Nazi base in space;
Oddly, Palin saves the day.
What more could you want?

— @LyndseyJJackson

DARK SHADOWS
Got Johnny Depp? Check.
‘Gothic’ and quirky people?
Bored of Burton now.

— @LyndseyJJackson

MOONRISE KINGDOM
Would have been lovely
Without the annoying kids.
I’ve not seen Rushmore!

— @LyndseyJJackson

SNOW WHITE AND THE HUNTSMEN
All great performances,
Visually delightful.
Ruined by editor.

— @LyndseyJJackson

AMERICAN PIE REUNION
What a pile of shit;
Wanted to rip my face off.
Humourless drivel.

— @LyndseyJJackson

DETOUR
Down and dirty noir,
Quite rough around the edges,
Yet razor sharp lines.

— @dave_or_did

THE RAID
Action films don’t get
Any more brutal than this.
Must clean my trousers.

— @dave_or_did

BRAVE
The story plays it
safe, but Brave still feels like a
cool breeze up the kilt.

— @dirtyvicar

ABRAHAM LINCOLN: VAMPIRE HUNTER
A one-joke premise
stretched four score, seven years long
Abe‘s a slave to style

— @dirtyvicar

ROCK OF AGES
Ride “Crazy Train” to
Campy Town. It’ll Rock you
like a drinking game.

— @dirtyvicar

HOLY ROLLERS
Cards? Their real skills are
hypocrisy and moral
justification.

— @dirtyvicar

PROMETHEUS
Alien evolves.
Hang on, fanboys: In space, no
one can hear you squeal!

— @dirtyvicar

ACT OF VALOR
Real SEALs L.A.R.P. up some
Call of Duty-style thrills. Don’t
quit your day jobs, boys.

— @dirtyvicar

MEN IN BLACK 3
More forgettable
than a hit from that flashy
mind-erase thingy.

— @dirtyvicar

JOHN CARTER
Disney delivers
on the promise of the world’s
dullest film title.

— @dirtyvicar

SAFE HOUSE
While it’s not safe from
top notch violence, this House
safely fends off plot.

— @dirty

WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT KEVIN
Swinton is subtle;
the directing not so much.
Bet the book’s better.

— @dirtyvicar

PROMETHEUS
Decent ideas
Ruined by shitty writing
And shoe horned horror

— @dave_or_did

PROMETHEUS
Alien it’s not.
But the grand journey it takes
Doesn’t stray far off.

— Chris Matic

PROMETHEUS
Bad casting and script,
But provocative, stunning,
With true ambition.

— @darrenleebolton

PROMETHEUS
Yay Alien returns.
Atmospheric sci fi.
Can’t wait for part two.

— @alkalineroger

KILLER’S KISS
Quite clumsy and slow
Worth watching for its bold style
But for little else

— @dave_or_did

THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK
Do I really need
To write a haiku about
How awesome this is?

— @dave_or_did

MILLENNIUM ACTRESS
A breathtaking ode
To Japanese cinema
Feels rich yet simple

— @dave_or_did

CHINA 9, LIBERTY 37
A terrible lead
Helps drag this slow spag western
Further in the dirt

— @dave_or_did

MERANTAU WARRIOR
A pre-Raid Evans
Flexes his fight film muscles
Already hits hard

— @dave_or_did

RIO BRAVO
Character driven
This great Western is a joy
From start to finish

— @dave_or_did

TETSUO THE IRON MAN
Madness from Japan
Makes Lynch look like Ron Howard
My brain has been raped

— @dave_or_did

SCOTT PILGRIM VS. THE WORLD
Pop culture chaos
Doesn’t always sit quite right
Yet still fresh and fun

— @dave_or_did

JULES ET JIM
I wasn’t gripped by
This bizarre love triangle
Seems lively yet drags

— @dave_or_did

PINEAPPLE EXPRESS
Some great chemistry
Keeps this stoner action flick
Riding high throughout

— @dave_or_did

VANISHING POINT (1971)
Great tunes, naked chicks
And non-stop car chase action
What more do you need?

— @dave_or_did

42ND STREET
Bawdy musical
Saves its numbers for the end
But stays fun throughout

— @dave_or_did

BEETLEJUICE
High concept madness
The like of which we don’t get
In today’s safe fare

— @dave_or_did

EASY RIDER
A dying era
Captured here so perfectly
To bring forth the next

— @dave_or_did

LE CERCLE ROUGE
Ultra-cool crime flick
Using minimal chatter
To thrill and enthral

— @dave_or_did

UNIVERSAL SOLDIER
Van Damme and Lundgren
Blowing everything sky high
Always fun to watch

— @dave_or_did

TAKEN
The film has its own
Particular set of skills
For daft non-stop thrills

— @dave_or_did

LES VACANCES DE M. HULOT
Who needs plot or chat
When you have sight gags and charm
Quaint and endearing

— @dave_or_did

MIDNIGHT RUN
An excellent cast
Keep banter flowing throughout
This long but fun film

— @dave_or_did

WILD STRAWBERRIES
Bergman ponders life
Which doesn’t sound appealing
But trust me it’s great!

— @dave_or_did

THX 1138
Looks and sounds stunning
But struggles to match Orwell
In power and drive

— @dave_or_did

MONDO TOPLESS
Give us a break guys
We all need some Russ Meyer
When the wife’s away

— @dave_or_did

THE MAN WHO SHOT LIBERTY VALANCE
Ford, Stewart and Wayne
The perfect combination
For a great Western

— @dave_or_did

RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK
Indy at his best
The perfect adventure film
Love every minute

— @dave_or_did

CERTIFIED COPY
Cryptic head scratcher
With just enough wit and charm
To not feel too dry

— @dave_or_did

THE FLY (1986)
I don’t know whether
I should hide, cry or throw up
Icky yet classy

— @dave_or_did

IT CAME FROM BENEATH THE SEA
Some cool stop motion
But clunky filler elsewhere
Cause this film to drag

— @dave_or_did

SAFETY LAST!
Death defying stunts
And gags which haven’t dated
Make this a great watch

— @dave_or_did

BEFORE SUNSET
Improves on the first
Through its unique perspective
Now I need the third

— @dave_or_did

THE TAKING OF PELHAM ONE TWO THREE (1974)
Plenty of humour
And an excellent soundtrack
This heist is perfect

— @dave_or_did

MCCULLIN
More than a bio
Musings on war and the press
Pack a hefty punch

— @dave_or_did

THE PROPOSITION
This Ozzie Western
Uses striking atmosphere
To frame its bloodshed

— @dave_or_did

HANZO THE RAZOR: SWORD OF JUSTICE
Twisted and depraved
Yet so utterly barmy
You can’t help but laugh

— @dave_or_did

THE GREAT DICTATOR
The satire is great
But the drama quite sappy
So quite hit and miss

— @dave_or_did

NO RETREAT NO SURRENDER
Insanely cheesy
And all the better for it
So 80’s it hurts

— @dave_or_did

SUPER 8
Lens flares, bombs and flaws
Aren’t enough to detract from
A strong yet sweet core

— @dave_or_did

TOP HAT
Dancing cheek to cheek
Fred and Ginger charm us all
With light feet and tone

— @dave_or_did

ALL QUIET ON THE WESTERN FRONT
Grandad of war films
Still powerful as ever
Shows us how it’s done

— @dave_or_did

PRIMER
Indie time travel
That messed with my head so much
It needs rewatching

— @dave_or_did

DEMONS
Buckets full of gore
And some cool quirky touches
Make devilish fun

— @dave_or_did

KINGSMEN
Really enjoyed it,
With a dopey grin at parts.
Colin Firth’s my fave.

— Kate V

KINGSMEN
Colin Firth: Badass!
Fun, old-school, cartoon violence
Gets a yes from me.

— Lyndsey Jackson

KINGSMEN
Another silly,
Violent slice of brilliance
To partner kick-ass.

— Darren Bolton

KINGSMEN
Take hardcore violence,
Mix with comic book styling.
Fun shaken not stirred.

— David Brook

IT FOLLOWS
A few flaws and holes
Don’t spoil the clever concept
Or the moody thrills.

— David Brook

EX MACHINA
Poor direction and
Unintelligent debate
Waste great ideas.

— Darren Bolton

PACIFIC RIM
Awful acting and
Script don’t ruin the joy of
Robots v monsters.

— Darren Bolton

WHIPLASH
A stunning and tense
Study of the desire
To reach perfect.

— Darren Bolton

SHAUN THE SHEEP
Aardman’s steep decline
Continues with this bland and
Unfunny feature.

— Darren Bolton

BLUE RUIN
Treads on well worn ground,
But great tension and some fresh
Ideas lift it.

— Darren Bolton

THE APARTMENT
Is there anyone
More charming than Jack Lemmon?
Kevin Spacey tried.

— Rebecca Latham

PANIC IN NEEDLE PARK
Pacino debut
In Panic In Needle Park
Still vital and fresh.

— Damien Beedham

TRANSCENDENCE
DP turned helmer
Makes complete mess of first film.
Transcendence is poor.

— Damien Beedham

TOP GUN
Planes! Sun-glasses! Men!
“This bogey’s all over me!”
Well oiled man fun!

— Lyndsey Jackson

FOX CATCHER
Depots the only
Interesting thing in this film.
Good craft, but boring.

— Darren Bolton

THE THEORY OF EVERYTHING
Truly heartbreaking.
Bad direction can’t detract
From its brilliance.

— Darren Bolton

BIRDMAN
Existential angst,
Theatre craft, family drama…
Dense and brilliant.

— Darren Bolton

GAMBIT
Didn’t need to see
Alan Rickman in the nude.
Not bad otherwise.

— Lyndsey Jackson

BLANCANIEVES
You like the artist?
Prepare to be blown away
By this silent gem.

— David Brook

BIRDMAN
This theatre nerd
Loved this film about the stage.
Not sure hubs got it.

— Lyndsey Jackson

WAVELENGTH:
ET’s in LA
Get saved by a Carradine
In this slick sci-fi.

— David Brook

SOLDIER’S WRATH:
A bit too dreary,
But quite well put together
With a grimy charm.

— David Brook

GHOST KEEPER
Solid slow burn chills
And a slick presentation,
Make this a keeper.

— David Brook

FAST & FURIOUS 6
Crammed with great action,
Siding of soapy drama,
Cruising in high gear.

— David Brook

LEGION OF IRON
It starts off twisted,
But then it breaks out the camp,
To bring bonkers fun.

— David Brook

JIVE TURKEY
Dull blaxploitation.
Too much jive talking filler,
Not enough action.

— David Brook

THE LAMP
Some inventive kills,
Plus loveably naff FX,
Make for cheesy fun.

— David Brook

THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST
Incredible play.
But this 90s version is
Mediocre though.

— Damien Beedham

BIRDMAN
Technically stunning,
Cinematic tour de force.
Worthy of Oscar.

— Damien Beedham

THE VOICES
I expected more.
Even talking animals
Can’t raise the funny!

— Darren Bolton

LEVIATHAN
Stunning craft on show
In this bleak Russian story,
Which sticks it to Vlad.

— David Brook

TOM AT THE FARM
A promising start
Is spoilt by shaky choices
From its characters.

— David Brook

IRON MAN 3
It’s better than two.
But far too stupid to be
More than passable.

— Darren Bolton

KICK-ASS 2
The first was so good.
It’s an impressive plummet
To atrociousness.

— Darren Bolton

21 JUMP STREET
It’s entertaining,
But just not funny enough.
Expected worse though.

— Darren Bolton

FAST AND FURIOUS 7
Cars, boobs, butts, boom, pow!
Silly and overblown plot;
Trash action down well!

— Lyndsey Jackson

DEEP BLUE SEA
How did this get made?
Insane – not in a good way?
Jaws 4 is better!

— Kate V

FAST AND FURIOUS 7
So that was mission
In-freaking-sanity times,
Like, Infinity!

— Kate V

THE VOICES
Funny little film,
Not sure it was a success,
But was worth a try.

— Lyndsey Jackson

JURASSIC WORLD
Another Sequel.
My advice is watch the first
Classic film instead

— Darren Bolton

INSIDE OUT
Not Pixars best, but
still good. Giacchino’s score
Didn’t quite kill me.

— Kate V

FAR FROM THE MADDENING CROWD
Danish Director
Adapts Classic Novel. It’s
Good rather than great.

— Darren Bolton

JURASSIC WORLD
Expected stupid.
But I never expected
It to be so dull!

— Blueprint: Film

MR HOLMES
Holmes sans mystery.
And drama.. Oh, and story.
Has bad accents though!

— Darren Bolton

JURASSIC WORLD
Lots more dinosaurs
Don’t make it more exciting
Than the great first film.

— David Brook

Furious 7
One long explosion,
Peppered with creepy ass shots
Makes for one long yawn.

— Justin B

TONY BENN: WILL AND TESTEMENT
The famous lefty
Gets passionate doc treatment.
Biased but rousing.

— David Brook

TOMORROWLAND
It’s a bit preachy,
But its imagination
And ideas shine.

— Darren Bolton

50 SHADES OF GREY
Nothing Redeeming.
For real, just watch Secretary.
It’s SO. MUCH. BETTER.

— Kate V

POPULATION 436
I don’t understand,
How films this staggeringly
Terrible get made.

— Darren Bolton

THE GRANDMASTER
Stunning visuals,
Let down by sloppy writing,
Makes a pretty mess.

— David Brook

TOMORROWLAND
Sweeping emotion,
Meta historic reference,
Inspiring hip kids.

— Lisa Maruson

BIG GAME
Simple pleasures come
From knowingly silly fun .
Switch off and enjoy.

— David Brook

MISERY
Music’s overplayed,
And it is pretty hammy,
But still brilliant.

— Darren Bolton

AN INCONVINIENT TRUTH
Convincing green talk
Spoilt by personal story
But some food for thought

— David Brook

INSIDE OUT
Pixar’s masterpiece
Had me blubbering throughout
Best film of the year

— David Brook

THE WOLFPACK
Fascinating doc
Shows the true power of film
In lives of ‘shut-ins’

— David Brook

CLOUDY WITH A CHANCE OF MEATBALLS 2
The first was so good –
Funny, creative, mental.
All things this isn’t.

— Darren Bolton

SUNSHINE ON LEITH
A touch saccharine,
But great direction and the
Songs won me over!

— Darren Bolton

THE JUDGE
An excellent cast
Elevate this from hackneyed
To enjoyable.

— Damien Beedham

THE GREATEST GAME EVER PLAYED
The drama of sport
Is hard to convey in film.
Fantastic story

— Damien Beedham

GRACE OF MONACO
Nicole looks like Grace,
Great costumes and locations,
But drama is light.

— Damien Beedham

AMY
Badly needed help,
But surrounded by vultures.
Heartbreaking insight.

— Darren Bolton

MISSION IMPOSSIBLE ROGUE NATION
Summer blockbuster
Done big, loud and loads of fun.
The way they should be.

— Darren Bolton

THE EXORCIST
Friedkin’s unique film
Can still creep under your skin
And spew in your face

— David Brook

MOMMY
Boldly examines
What a mother can do when
Her son makes life hell

— David Brook

PELO MALO
Sharp social drama
Is well handled and performed
With a subtle touch

— David Brook

LEGEND
Far more cartoony
Than expected. And wanted.
But it is still fun

— Darren Bolton

IN A WORLD
A bog standard film
Made far better due to its
Fresh and unique world.

— Darren Bolton

BLACK MASS
Watered-down Departed.
But Johnny Depp was still good
And not a cartoon!

— Kate V

SCORCH TRAILS
First one? Not so good.
This one? Maybe even worse.
Basically, who cares?

— Kate V

TURBO KID
Retro sci-fi love
Incredible splatterfest
Watching it again

— Adam

ME, EARL AND THE DYING GIRL
Annoying V. O.
Harms what could’ve been a sweet
And creative gem.

— Darren Bolton

STEVE
Story told using
Archive and reconstruction.
A treat for golf fans.

— Damien Beedham

MAGIC IN THE MOONLIGHT
Annual Woody film
Isn’t vintage but quite fun.
I rather liked it.

— Damien Beedham

DAWN OF THE PLANET OF THE APES
The first one was good.
Diminishing returns now.
This is just awful.

— Damien Beedham

KLUTE
This thriller is good,
But not best from the decade.
Well worth watching though.

— Damien Beedham

THE DROP
Character, milieu,
Plot – all pitch perfect in this
High quality film.

— Damien Beedham

LONDON ROAD
The Community
Is captured so honestly.
Remarkable film.

— Mikaela Smith

THE LOBSTER
It’s funny at first;
But the grating voiceover
Infects the whole film.

— Darren Bolton

PADDINGTON
A beautiful tale
of one new immigrant’s plight
Oh yeah, he’s a bear

— Indy Randhawa

THE MARTIAN
Potatoes on Mars
Chinese space agency are bros
Get Mark Whatney home

— Sean Warton

CRIMSON PEAK
Gothic love story
Brother and sister so weird
Don’t open that door

— Elliot Lewis

CRIMSON PEAK
Beautifully told
A little too much CG
Not Pan’s Labyrinth

— Chris Teregis

SONG OF THE SEA
Charming and haunting
All cartoons should look this good
Each shot is gorgeous

— Indy Randhawa

THE MARTIAN
Go watch The Martian
It makes problem solving cool
Science is awesome!!!

— Ben Parr

THE VISIT
Why’s it found footage?
I’m done defending M. Night
Diaper in the face

— Indy Randhawa

SPECTRE
Usual mad plot crap;
Awesome opening sequence.
Yeah, Bond was alright.

— Lyndsey Jackson

SPECTRE
So silly it’s dumb.
So serious it’s boring.
Glad this era’s done.

— Darren Bolton

PEANUTS
These Peanuts look new
But they still taste like they used to.
Shell out the money.

— Joel D Smith

WHAT WE DO IN THE SHADOWS
Expected love/hate.
But it was just bang average.
Not funny enough.

— Darren Bolton

CAROL
Film craft at its best,
From the script to the music.
But just didn’t care.

— Darren Bolton

IRIS
It may go nowhere;
But it’s a fun insight to
Iris and her world.

— Darren Bolton

PERSEUS AGAINST THE MONSTERS
Sword and sandals fluff
With nicely clunky FX
Worked a treat for us

— David Brook

WHITE BUFFALO
Bronson kicks the ass
Of a giant robot ox
In moody western

— David Brook

ON THE BLOCK
Strippers and whores lead
This surprisingly decent
Bleak seedy drama

— David Brook

MOTOR PSYCHO
Boob king Russ Meyer
Tones down the flesh a little
For classier trash

— David Brook

SURVIVING THE GAME
With an awesome cast
Full of nut job specialists
This action flick shines

— David Brook

THE BORROWER
It’s bat-shit crazy
Takes itself seriously
And still comes out trumps

— David Brook

INTO THE NIGHT
Pfeiffer and Goldblum
Shine in this forgotten gem
Slow paced yet funny

— David Brook

THE JUNKMAN
Meta and messy
Yet the scale of the ‘car-nage’
Was spectacular

— David Brook

PRIMAL RAGE
Daft 80’s shocker
Much too low on scares or gore
To thrill or excite

— David Brook

THE KUNG-FU WARRIOR
Story, who needs it?
Let’s just kick the living crap
Out of each other

— David Brook

OLIVER AND COMPANY
Surprisingly holds up
Much darker than remembered
Superb vocal case

— Kate V.

THE GOOD DINOSAUR
Amalgamation
Of Disney tropes. But – Pixar
So it’s worth seeing.

— Kate V.

THE GOOD DINOSAUR
Amalgamation
Of Disney tropes. But – Pixar
So it’s worth seeing.

— Kate V.

WEST OF MEMPHIS
Yet another tale
Of heartbreaking injustice.
Freedom, at what cost?!

— Darren Bolton

INTO THE WOODS
Expected Awful,
But actually found it quite
Funny and charming.

— Darren Bolton

DEADPOOL
Irreverent. Fun.
Best Marvel since Iron Man
Reynolds in the zone

— Joshua Bradley

HAIL CAESAR
Love letter or roast
Coen’s Hollywood romp fails
Better on paper

— Joshua Bradley

DEADPOOL
Basically complete
opposite of Green Lantern…
(Actually good)

— Kate V

DEADPOOL
Silly and pointless,
Likely make the fan boys mad:
Screw em, I had fun!

— Lyndsey Jackson

THE BIG SHORT
Odd editing choice
Doesn’t distract from lesson;
The ‘City’ is f**ked up.

— Lyndsey Jackson

WHAT WE DO IN THE SHADOWS
What could be more fun
Than a vampire mock doc?
Turns out, not a lot!

— Lyndsey Jackson

THE FORCE AWAKENS
Star Wars – meh meh meh.
Finn and Rey and Oscar Issacs;
Yes please, I’m so in!

— Lyndsey Jackson

PROJECT ALMANAC
I say this a lot.
But this is one of the worst
Films I’ve ever seen

— Darren Bolton

THE ASSASSIN
Pretentious and slow?
Maybe, but this artful film
Still kept me spellbound

— David Brook

THE FEAR OF THIRTEEN
Who’d have thought this doc
With only one talking head
Could be so gripping

— David Brook

SPOTLIGHT
This journo drama
Thankfully avoids bombast
In its dark true tale

— David Brook

THE GOOD DINOSAUR
Yes the script is poor
But I liked this dino flick
Despite its problems

— David Brook

KUNG FU PANDA 3
Paint by numbers plot
But I enjoy this franchise
And it looks gorgeous

— David Brook

10 CLOVERFIELD LANE
This semi-sequel
Is filled with thrills aplenty
But not enough brains

— David Brook

Hail, Caesar!
Lower Tier Coens
It crams in too many stars
For us to follow

— David Brook

THE WITCH
Period horror
Thrives on chilling atmosphere
Unbearably tense

— David Brook

EDDIE THE EAGLE
Cheesetastic sports film
Raises chuckles now and then
But never flies high

— David Brook

BATMAN V SUPERMAN
So many potholes
Waste of Jeremy Irons
Assfleck not bad though!

— Lyndsey Jackson

DEADPOOL
Reynolds is awesome
But the story is cliche
And lacks spectacle

— David Brook

BATMAN V SUPERMAN
Batman? Superman?
Probably should have been called
‘Justice League Prologue’.

— Karl Dawson

LONDON HAS FALLEN
Plot holes aplenty?
Who cares! Let’s just blow shit up!
It’s a thumbs up from me.

— Lyndsey Jackson

STEVE JOBS
Solid cast and crew
Best startup TV pilot.
No more episodes?

— Joshua Bradley

THE REVENANT
The Revenant (Bears!!)
Leo earned his oscar (Bears!!)
Cinematic joy.

— Ben Parr

KEANU
Sex, drugs and n-bombs
Cat in do-rag and gold chains
Better than it sounds

— Joshua Bradley

THE HUNTSMAN: WINTER’S WAR
A sequel for that?
I guess so… but about what?
They’re really on board?

— Joshua Bradley

ZOOTOPIA
Judy Hopps, the cop,
Nick Wilde, the cool con artist,
Subtle racism

— Second Screening

CAPTAIN AMERICA: CIVIL WAR
Comic film bar raised
Best super-smackdown ever
Who won? Marvel fans

— Karl Dawson

CAPTAIN AMERICA: CIVIL WAR
Past, present, future.
A solo or super-film?
More Bourne than Ultron.

— Joshua Bradley

CAPTAIN AMERICA: CIVIL WAR
Some cool action scenes
But too long with weak drama
So ends up boring

— David Brook

THE SOUND OF MUSIC
I was not informed
That there would be singing goats
In this musical

— Alexis Hauk

BATMAN VS. SUPERMAN
When you hear the words
“Why did you say that name!?!?!”….STOP!
Wait for “Justice League”

— Haiku Review

ALL THE WAY
Cranston…masterful
Civil Rights Trump Moral Wrongs
Lessons worth learning

— Karl Dawson

ANGRY BIRDS
I paid thirty bucks
and much more for popcorn.
Now I’m the Angry Bird

— Anthony Binns

I LOVE YOU PHILIP MORRIS
As the lies increase,
Can you love someone enough
To fix all of it?

— Haiku Review

MONEY MONSTER
A fun short thrill ride
Make sure you don’t think too much
Or it will unwind

— David Brook

EYE IN THE SKY
Tense, thought provoking
Thriller on modern warfare.
This film is superb.

— Damien Beedham

THE NICE GUYS
A clunky story
Is hidden by funny lines
And a top class cast

— David Brook

THE ROOM
A fascinating
And surprising look at the
Aftermath of rape.

— Darren Bolton

FORCE MAJEURE
How would you react
As an avalanche descends?
Excellent drama.

— Damien Beedham

AMERICAN PSYCHO
A thousand muscles
And a million 80s references
I’m not sure what else

— Anika Chapin

MONEY MONSTER
Sleekness belies smarts
When Foster makes a movie
Every detail counts

— Joshua Bradley

X-MEN: APOCALYPSE
Baldness origin
More Magneto therapy
And Ally Sheedy

— Joshua Bradley

THE BABADOOK
Uneven but good
Psychological horror
From Australia.

— Damien Beedham

UNFRIENDED
It’s a great concept;
(Though ripped from a better short)
But terribly made.

— Darren Bolton

I, ORIGINS
A nice idea,
But feels like a twelve year old
Researched and wrote it.

— Darren Bolton

NERVE
Interesting premise,
Fine Roberts/Franco acting.
The film falls far short.

— Nicholas C Pappers

CAFE SOCIETY
Middling Allen fare.
Somehow enjoyable and
Quickly forgotten.

— Nicholas C Pappers

SUICIDE SQUAD
The DC savior,
A heaping pile of garbage.
What the fuck happened?

— Nicholas C Pappers

LIGHTS OUT
Full of surprises.
Strong character based horror
Leads to better scares.

— Nicholas C Pappers

THE ADVENTURES OF TINTIN
This CG reboot
Overplays some set pieces
But remains great fun

— David Brook

THE SHALLOWS
It’s made in a way
That presumes audiences
Are beyond stupid.

— Darren Bolton

THE INVITATION
A pretty bad script
Is helped by great direction
And performances

— darren Bolton

The BFG
Technically superb
But very disappointing.
Read the book instead

— damien Beedham

GHOSTBUSTERS
night at the improv
nostalgia turned against you
empty on its own

— joshua Bradley

INVASION OF THE BLOOD FARMERS
A drive-in “classic.”
Chief Spano snubbed for Oscar?
It’s so bad it’s good.

— nicholas C Pappers