creepozoidsDirector: David De Coteau
Script: Burford Hauser & David De Coteau
Cast: Linnea Quigley, Ken Abraham, Michael Aranda, Richard Hawkins
Running time: 71 minutes
Year: 1987
Certificate: 18

The 1980s were a great time to be the kind of teenager, like me, who liked schlock and cheese. Not only was there plenty of cheesy music to listen to, there were also plenty of equally cheesy and very schlocky films to visually devour. 88 Films are now helping us to relive some of those teenage moments with their ‘Grindhouse Collection’, which showcases some of the best cheese this side of an Edam processing plant!

Creepozoids begins with a young woman working alone in a laboratory being disturbed by a weird clicking noise at the door. She goes over to investigate and, on opening said door, comes face-to-face with a bizarre mutant creature with massive mandibles. Cue a scream, cut to black and thus starts this 80’s throwback to the lurid sci-fi shockers of the late 1950s and early 1960s.

It’s 1998 (I’m not sure why filmmakers in the 80s dated their sci-fi flicks so close to their present day – seems a bit short-sighted/stupid!) and it’s six years after the superpowers screwed up the world with a nuclear conflict, leaving much of the Earth’s surface uninhabitable. Five young army deserters are running through what’s left of an unnamed city seeking shelter from the upcoming acid rain storm. They finally stumble on what appears to be an old ex-military research base, although it has the same level of security as your local secondary school – in fact, probably less!

The film then slows down considerably for the next half hour or so as these survivors explore the locale and then settle down for the night to wait out the storm. It soon becomes apparent that they’re not alone and are soon they’re being picked off one-by-one by the mutant from the film’s prologue. And, in between run-ins with the aforementioned humanoid mutant, a couple of the characters are attacked by nasty mutant rats, who are so incredibly cheesy in appearance it’s surprising they’re not themselves covered in mice!

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The characters of the three men and two women are slowly revealed to be the usual stock of cardboard cut-outs, including a geeky type with glasses, a sexy blond bombshell (Quigley), a macho grunt, an heroic leader type, replete with squared-off chin, and a more serious dark-haired woman who gets her throat torn out by one of the mutant rats… plus there’s a delightfully stupid reason why the mutants have occurred, but I’ll let you discover that for yourselves!

It’s all good fun and cheap-looking games and the viewer is granted an eye-full of Linnea’s tits (10.5 minutes in, for your information), some laughable monster action and plenty of hammy acting. The effects are obviously pretty cheap, but the mutant is kind of fun and the rats are hilarious so no complaints there from me. The synthesiser music score, by Guy Moon, is reasonable and the set pieces are fairly well staged considering the lack of budget. My main problem with the film is - considering that it’s only 71 minutes in length - it drags a little during early stages and when the mutant finally makes a proper appearance the viewer has already semi lost interest.

All things considered though, Creepozoids is an enjoyable enough little B movie, which fans of the sci-fi B-movie genre will like and it was cool to see some of the human victims of the mutants turning into sub-Evil Dead mutants themselves before they tragically expired without really doing much. Oh, and I also thought the mutant baby was fun too…you gotta love a mutant baby!

Favourite line of dialogue:
“Fuck its protein; it’s probably got too much anyway!”

(plus and extra star if you really like cheese!)

Reviewer: Justin Richards

Creepozoids was recently released on DVD by 88 Films as part of their ‘Grindhouse Collection’. The disc includes a ‘Full Moon Trailer Park’ section, which features trailers for Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-o-rama; Puppet Master I,II, & III; Dr Alien; Tourist Trap; Zombies Vs Strippers; The Pit and the Pendulum, Castle Freak; and Cannibal Women in the Avocado Jungle of Death. Also in the special features section is a trailer for Creepozoids itself, a funky stills gallery featuring lots of interesting video covers of the film from all over the world and then, finally, a bonus feature called FilmGore. This looks to be an Elvira hosted compilation of clips from a number of early gore-epics, including Blood Feast, Two Thousand Maniacs, Driller Killer and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Rather bizarrely, after an initial fast-cut compilation that opens the film, they have the Mistress of the Dark herself commenting on fairly lengthy clips from each of these films. There’s no way this film needed to be nearly two hours in length, but it’s cool that it’s been included here as an extra.

About The Author

Justin Richards is a journalist by day and a scriptwriter by night. His work has appeared in the darker recesses of the internet and in various niche publications including ITNOW, The Darkside, Is it Uncut?, Impact and Deranged. When he’s not sitting hunched over a sticky, crumb-laden keyboard he’s paying good money to have people in pyjamas try and kick him repeatedly in the face.

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