Director: Peter Berg
Cast: Taylor Kitsch, Brooklyn Decker, Alexander Skarsgard, Rihanna, Asano Tadanobu, Liam Neeson
After robbing a sickening number of people of their hard-earned with the execrable Transformers series, Hasbro clearly aren’t satisfied with the billions of dollars they’ve received and are looking for the next kids toy to rebrand into a film franchise so they can buy that diamond toilet seat they always wanted. Enter Battleship, which has turned from a simple yet effective strategy game into a bombastic behemoth of a sci-fi blockbuster. Watching the trailer gave me an uneasy sense of deja vu – it’s basically Transformers at sea. The world is in peril from giant, loud CGI and some attractive young teenagers/twenty-somethings (plus Liam Neeson) have to save the day.
It’s going to be crap I imagine, but everyone’s going to flock to see it. Just don’t say I didn’t warn you.
The Three Stooges
Director: Peter Farrelly, Bobby Farrelly
Cast: Sean Hayes, Will Sasso, Chris Diamantopoulos, Jane Lynch, Jennifer Hudson, Sofia Vergara, Craig Bierko, Stephen Collins, Larry David
After years, if not decades, of rumours and speculation, the Farrelly brothers finally unleash their modernisation of The Three Stooges. It looks as expected really – lots of eye-poking, pratfalls and other slapstick cliches that the original trio thrived on back in the day. Unfortunately it just looks painfully unfunny this time round. Maybe it’s the performers, maybe it’s the direction or maybe we’ve just moved on, but I have zero interest in watching this film. At least they chose a cast of relative unknowns (in the film world) as watching any decent stars stoop to this level would be even more embarrassing.
Director: Steven Peros
Cast: Sybil Temtchine, H.M. Wynant, Pippa Scott, John Brickner, Catherine Bruhier
The writer of The Cat’s Meow (which pretty much bombed on release back in 2001) comes back to write and direct Footprints, a film about an amnesiac (Sybil Temtchine) who wakes up outside Man’s Chinese Theatre in Hollywood and desperately tries to piece her life together by investigating around the area over a day.
Wow. This looks terrible. I mean The Room level of awful. It looks like a bottom-of-the-class student film with bland, poorly composed and cheap-looking visuals, horrifically bad acting and cheesy dialogue. Now I’ve got a lot of time for zero-budget cinema, but this doesn’t look to have anything going for it at all. I doubt it’s going to play anywhere to be honest, but if it does – avoid.
The Wicker Tree
Director: Robin Hardy
Cast: Graham McTavish, Jacqueline Leonard, Henry Garrett, Honeysuckle Weeks, Clive Russell, Sir Christopher Lee, Brittania Nicol
Those previous three trailers made me want to poke my eyes out, so I was hoping Robin Hardy’s follow up to his own classic 1973 film The Wicker Man would turn the tides. Well the trailer doesn’t give much away, but it contains some interesting visuals and certainly looks classier than the trash above. I’ve heard very mixed opinions from people who’ve caught the film at festivals so I’m staying cautious, but this trailer has me leaning towards my optimistic side.