The third installment where we figure out the plot of a film just by watching the trailer. This week; Paranormal... Sorry - Insidious.
A family looks to prevent evil spirits from trapping their comatose child in a realm called The Further.
Ok... leaving aside this looks like every scary CCTV footage, exorcism-esque movie I've ever seen, I actually think this one is trying to trick us. The trailer and their website tells us that it's not the house that's haunted it's (drum roll please) THE BOY!!!! So this makes me think they're either leading us down a tricksy path or they're solely hoping people will come and see it because Paranormal Activity scared the bejubus out of them.
00:13 INSIDIOUS IS... well, Insidious is an adjective, which is pretty much the only way I can make those two words work together, unless I have a child, name it Insidious and casually mention that Insidious is joining the scouts at the weekend...
00:18 Metronome alert! Someone's getting hypnotised. Cue montage of happy family scenes, laughing, little people in cute pajamas and general all round lovely. Made by the guys who did Saw. Expect mirth and joy all round then. Hold on... what's this?
Aside from my terrible screengrab...
00:30 The kid's only gone and climbed up a scary old ladder, fallen off and hurt himself. Somehow (I assume only watching the film or guessing the ghoulie had something to do with it) this puts him in a kinda, not quite, sorta coma thing.
00: 33 INSIDIOUS IS INSIDIOUS. No, no it's not. THIS is TEDIOUS!! This INSIDIOUS IS crap continues throughout the trailer... bored already!
00:44 Now we all know what a rocking horse rocking alone means... Ghosties and Ghoulies and all sorts of creepy goings on are afoot.
00:56 After a shadowy figure enters the house (who looks quite a bit like the target cheek guy from Saw) our momma (Rose Byrne) hears some all together horrible manly growling through the baby monitor. Eek...
01:03 "I've been into Dalton's room - there's something in there with him" Yup, the only scary bit of this trailer where you just spot this little fella hanging out in the corner... Actually yelped a tiny bit.
Lots of gore and blood stained bedsheets ensue until eventually they call in the ghostbusters (side note - Bill Murray may have saved this film for me) who take lots of measurements and test radio waves and try not to cross the streams and other such technological wizardry...
01:14 Enter the ghost hunter/exorcist lady and therein follows the mash up of tense and frantic scenes of horrorness - scratchy drawings, creepy kids, running down corridors in the dark and general scary movie suspense stuff, overlaid with a proper heavy strings track.
Then we get the obligatory slow shot down a dark corridor (including heartbeat sound effect) and the chilling words of our exorcist lady - "It's not the house that's haunted - it's your son"
What follows is another 20 seconds of noise and fast action to tense string music, I assume to scare us a little and show us how they're going to try everything to exorcise the boy and how lots of people are going to die as a result of breathing in really deeply. Add a couple of creepy little girls and you got yourself a haunted house movie trailer. Don't forget about the customary extra 'BOO' jump after the titles though.
To sum up - I think this film might have a trick up it's sleeve - given away by the hypnosis scene at the start. It's going to do one of a couple of things:
a. Dad killed them all (we see very little of him in the trailer, which suggests a Dadcam POV to the film) some kind of regression therapy to prove he's not a murderer.
b. It's just going to have the boy and the lipstick demon face off... the boy may die - film audiences aren't sentimental anymore and if you've ever read any Stephen King you'll be used to the kids getting got!
c. It's actually another Saw movie.
d. Dad has to go into the Further world and save his boy... but he gets lured in... cause it's Insidious. See, it's clever.
There is still space for this film to be a bit surprising but the trailer is SO cliched and gives so much away that I'll just assume the film itself is cliched and a bit crap.
It's out on the 6th May. I shall reserve my full judgement until then but I'm not holding out any hope that the trailer hasn't ruined a perfectly decent scary film.